Twilight: A review for Men

Warning: This review is of the Twilight book series, not the awkward movies. I don't know if I remember enough details to actually "spoil" anything, but I guess I might do so on accident. (It's not like you're planning on reading it anyway)

We are men. We eat beef while it bleeds; we wrangle beasts with our bare hands. We don't have time for ultra-chaste, ridiculously glittery, pretty-boy-vampire love stories.

I'm here to tell you that you should give the books a chance... "for your wife's sake."

If you have some time between replacing an alternator, knocking down a wall, cleaning yourself with steel wool, and watching Jack Bauer marathons, then pick up "Twilight" and read for a while. Maybe you'll hate it, maybe you won't. Feel free to read it in the closet with a flashlight so it doesn't hurt your "manly" public image.

First of all, I reject the whole premise of the book. It's downright crap. You will understand, because you are a man. We men need substance, we need meat, we need red blooded love... We want women who are confident and independent outside, and feminine, precious and witty inside the house.

This book is not about that. This book is about an obsessed little nitwit girl. Recklessness instead of courage, baseless infatuation instead of love, aimless hormones instead of passion.

Love makes you smart, these people are dumb. Sure, hormones make you dumb, but love is what helps you rise above that.

In Twilight, the basic foundations of the total love story are:

1: A girl who can't control herself because her curiosity and raging hormones pull her toward this mysterious man. Oh, and he shines in the sunlight, but he only lets her see it. *Special*

2: A guy who is pretty much okay on his own, but this girl smells s'damn good that he just can't stay away.

If this relationship works out, it's based on luck. They didn't act based on love, they just reacted to their useless impulses.

Is this theme strong enough? Maybe for the first book. I can totally see it. A pinch of danger, a dash of mystery, a heaping of "I want your body," and maybe you can get through the first adventure.

But this crap goes on for four books. This is supposedly the beginning of an eternal relationship of immortals. That's total BS my friends.

They...Got...Lucky! (I'm not talking about that kind of lucky dudes)

It's like buying a house without looking inside, without getting an appraisal, and without talking to anyone who has lived there. Oh, and this house is in a dangerous neighborhood and all the neighbors want to eat you alive.

If the house works out, it was because you got lucky, not because of how romantic the porch and backyard looked.

So that's what I see when I read Twilight. The woman writing the story forces this ridiculous idea through the books because she fundamentally believes that women are stupid, and men are out of control.

But even though this book is based on a sandy foundation that will wash away (or make you so sick you want to hurl on it) it does have some redeeming qualities.

1: The Vampire women are smokin hot. Sure, you have to use your imagination because Meyer can only describe them with words like "most beautiful" "Super Model" "flawless".

2: The Vampires have special powers. You know you'd love to read minds, tell the future, bend steel with your hands, and persuade people to do whatever you want. It's interesting how these vampires use their powers to their advantage.

3: There is danger, action, tragedy, and triumph. We all love triumph in the face of horrible odds.

4: A group of vampires want to eliminate the people involved in this sugary "romance," which is sort of satisfying.

5: You can relate with the burly hairy werewolf guy who is way better for the girl, and isn't almost guilty of statutory rape like the Glittery Vampire.

6: A ton of the book is unintentionally funny.

7: This book is about heroes.

This last one is not the least. I don't think these heroes are especially heroic, especially Edward (The sappy lover boy/fogey). He's brooding, manipulative, impulsive, jealous, and he apparently hasn't developed the ability to think clearly when he's angry. He acts like a mother bear when her cubs are in danger.

Carlisle, the daddy vampire, is super awesome.

He has built up this amazing family and he has protected them from harm. He's like a monk, teaching them to give up impulses and use wisdom. He teaches his "children" that they shouldn't harm others, and they all learn to survive by sucking on animal blood in order to spare humans. Carlisle loves his son Edward (The sappy lover boy/fogey) so much, that he risks everything he has worked for and holds dear in order to help him be happy.

Carlisle brings Bella (Sappy nit-wit lover girl) into his home and tries to help her become the woman that Edward deserves. Carlisle is patient, he is brilliant. The guy understands that sometimes you have to sacrifice for the greater good of your family.

Instead of focusing on the true romance in this story, between Carlisle and his wife Esme, Meyer focuses on the ridiculousness that is *Edward hearts Bella.*

If I thought Meyer had the foresight to predict her massive success, I would accuse her of intentionally taking advantage of the silliness of thousands of teenage girls.

This book is fantasy, but not good fantasy. Good fantasy utilizes the good and the bad in people, and points out how evil destroys and good builds. It focuses on how when people are loyal, hardworking, and heroic, they can accomplish anything.

This book is fantasy because it seems to actually portray that you can be as stupid as you want, and everything will be okay as long as Edward (or someone dreamy enough) is around.

But we've all been stupid, from time to time,

doesn't it always end with love sublime?

There are no consequences, when love is in near,

Those bills, jobs, and criminals we shall not fear.