Current Television for Dummies: A comprehensive guide

You really should like the shows I like, but since you probably don't have time to watch 12-15 hours of television a week (depending on the ridiculous length of American Idol), I will forgive you.

To help you get started on on your journey to TV heaven, I am going to provide you with this comprehensive guide of the best television shows televised on television sets.

Now... to all of those people who are fans of the simpsons, family guy, the bachelor, 30-rock, community, flash forward, V, and whatever else... I just don't have time for your show, okay? So this is an uncomprehensive comprehensive guide of the best television shows televised on television sets.

BTSTOTS

Which is surprisingly the abbreviated description of the tater tots at Sonic.

So here are the shows. You can just check out the shows you are interested in. I will provide a title, a random and arbitrary "awesomeness score", a synopsis, a mini review, and the formula that these shows always always always follow.

After reading this, you won't even need to watch TV. Think of all the time I'm saving you!

The Office

Awesomeness Score 9.9/10

Synopsis:

A bunch of people work at a paper/printer sales and distribution company in Scranton PA. Nobody is really very attractive, plenty of them are very unattractive. These people are all caricatures of characters you've worked with before.

Formula:

Something silly happens in the opening, Someone has a problem, the boss blows it out of proportion, the boss naively offends someone, Jim and Pam diligently try to calm the waters, something silly happens as the credits roll.

Mini Review:

Once you get yourself in-tune with the office, it is really, really funny. Maybe you don't "get" the show. It's not because you aren't smart, it's because you aren't trained. I promise you, if you watch the first 2 seasons of the office you will be hooked.

You have to know these people in order to recognize the incredible humor the show brings. It's hilarious that Dwight's hero is Jack Bauer, that Michael Scott's handle on a dating website is "little-kid-lover" so people know where his priorities are at, that Andy loses his freaking mind when he can't answer his ringing phone, and that the Scranton Branch is the #1 branch at Dunder Mifflin. Never heard of it? Have you ever heard of paper?

If you just sample the show and take it at face value, it will seem kind of stupid. But if you'll get to know these people and understand their personalities and motivations, you'll begin to see the light.

Lost

Awesomeness Score: Sometimes 9.5/10, other times 3/10

Synopsis:

A bunch of ridiculously attractive people are stranded, hot, and sweaty on a dangerous and mysterious island that might be an island, or hell, or purgatory, or a dream, or a time machine, or maybe some sort of vortex that helps people understand the purpose of life.

Formula:

People are on a lovely beach, something scary happens, hot chick goes out into the jungle, hot dude says something sarcastic and does something selfish, hot doctor overreacts, fat dude says something funny, nobody knows what the crap is going on, new questions are created and the writers forget about them.

Mini-Review:

Lost is incredibly frustrating. The show is mind blowing and super addictive, but it's really really stupid. It tries so hard to do something smart, but halfway through the smart story it tells it forgets where it's going. Stupidity turns into mystery, ridiculousness turns into intensity...Like Magic! The characters draw you in and string you along until you just kind of want them to leave you alone.... but you can't stay away, and lo and behold more questions are left unanswered each Tuesday night.

Burn Notice

9.2/10

Synopsis:

Super spy named Michael who is a little too skinny for the job get's "burned" out of the CIA by some mysterious turds who framed him. Spy wants his life back, so he makes a super cool team with a way-too-skinny half-naked bombmaker who never seems to have the same accent two weeks in a row, and a sort of fat ex Navy S.E.A.L. who says funny stuff, dates middle aged women, and drinks a lot.

Formula:

Michael is trying to figure out who burned him, and who their boss is, and who their boss is, and who their boss is etc. etc. Along comes someone who needs a little hired help and they just happen to have thousands of dollars and a reason not to get help from police. The navy seal gets info from the government without any trouble for some reason, and the skinny lady wants to blow everyone up. Michael outsmarts some bad guys with guns by using neat spy tricks and a quick wit. Michael explains how to do everything he does, from ditching cops to building bombs out of household goods. Michael wins all the battles, but can't seem to win the war.

Mini Review:

Burn notice draws you in with an incredibly interesting cast. The show gives you a "been there, done that" feel all the time, but it does it with so much style. Everything on that show is beautiful, including the city of Miami. Burn notice is brilliant at helping you get into the head of the characters and understand their conflicts. Nothing is black and white and there are trade-offs to every action.

"24"

8.8/10

Synopsis:

The biggest bad-Eh in the world works for the counter terrorist unit (CTU) in Los Angeles or sometimes DC or sometimes NYC. We follow him throughout his entire 24-hour day in real-time as he manages to avoid using the bathroom or eating, or speaking in a normal tone of voice. Bad things always happen to him, and he always does bad things to other people, but he is loyal to his country forever.

Formula:

Jack's day starts sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night. Jack is annoyed by something mundane or whatever, and then he gets pulled into a crazy wild problem that starts as just some organization threatening the city with a nuke, or a poison, or a nuke, or a poison gas, or a nuk,e or a bio agent, or a suitcase nuke, or a government takeover, or the rods from a nuke. AHHHHHH! AND THEN it turns into a crazy conspiracy involving pretty much everyone. Jack can't trust anyone, Jack breaks the law, government chases Jack, someone screws up, Jack says "Damn it!" Jack says "Trust Me", Jack kills some dudes, shoots a gun out of someones hand, arrests and tortures at least 2 innocent people, gets betrayed by a mole, eventually exhausts all his leads, and magically ends up saving the day at the last minute... and it always takes 24 hours. Not 22, not 25, but 24 (maybe sometimes it's only 23 and a half, and then we see Jack go relax... I mean get kidnapped, or tortured, or watch his wife die.)

Mini Review:

This show is the most addictive show ever. 60 year-old people will find themselves staying up 'til 3 to watch "just one more" episode. The show wanes here and there, and it's totally predictable now, but I will forgive it for coasting since it had four or five incredibly awesome seasons during it's prime.

Castle

8/10

Synopsis:

A charming and famous crime novelist named Castle manages to call in a few favors from the Mayor so he can tag along with a good looking female detective and gain some inspiration for a new book. He ends up being surprisingly helpful and a great team is formed.

Formula:

Castle has some sort of awesome witty banter with his mother and his daughter. He is doing something juvenile or whatever when he gets a call that someone was murdered (apparently people are murdered in crazy ways ALL THE TIME). Castle goes to the crime scene, says something inappropriate for the occasion, Detective Becket makes fun of him, they flirt, Castle says something inappropriate, Becket Rolls her eyes. Becket walks quickly in her impractical high-heeled shoes. Together they collect theories, post them all on a white board, think they find the bad guy, question the guy, realize he's not the right bad guy, castle comes up with a crazy theory, Beckett makes the theory less crazy, they go get the real bad guy, but the allotted hour has run out so they don't interview him.

Mini Review:

The plot lines in Castle are not that much different from all of the other murder/police shows out there, but the style and dialogue is quite unique. You probably won't care about the stories that much, but you'll like it because they talk about it in such a cool way. Also, Rick Castle is awesome because he's played by Nathan Fillion who plays the Captain on Firefly/Serenity (also an awesome show, but it's not on TV anymore)

House

7.7/10

Synopsis:

Super-Genius doctor breaks all the rules in order to diagnose rare diseases, in an effort to satisfy his desire to find the missing piece of the puzzle. Dr. House works with a team of Doctors who apparently like to be manipulated and abused. Dr. House has no respect for authority but he's so good that he apparently can't get fired, and he also has a beard that never seems to grow longer than a quarter-inch.

Formula:

House comes into his office later than he should and his team of outlandishly attractive doctors are busy working on a strange new case. House only has one case at a time (except for a few rare crazy exceptions). House and his team talk about a bunch of stuff and House shoots down all the solutions until he has them try something that doesn't work. Something else is tried and doesn't work, and then something else. The team gets consent 4-9 times for stuff that doesn't end up helping. The situation seems hopeless, House and his friend Wilson have some witty banter until house gets this constipated/thoughtful/High-on-drugs look on his face due to some epiphany. House saves the day right before the patient is going to die, but after they've already lost/had a transplant for at least one major organ. No talk of money or medical costs of any kind.... EVER. Oh, and they always get to use whatever machines they want whenever they want. It's like Obama-Euphoria.

Mini-Review:

Dr. House is just awesome, and that makes his ridiculous show awesome. The actor, Hugh Laurie is an incredible musician, and it's cool that they let him perform on the show from time to time. The best season of this show was probably the second season.

Bones

7.6/10

Synopsis:

The Neanderthal-like and manly FBI Agent, Seely Booth gets teamed up with a genius forensic anthropologist who has no brain filter. Both Nicknames Dr. Brennan "Bones", but she hates it. Bones has a team of research scientists who apparently love to solve crimes and devote their careers to helping the FBI, even though they are all super genius academic types who probably would be way too snooty to get along with the feds.

Formula:

The show starts with some gory and gooey pile of boneflesh, and some people in blue jumpsuits are walking around and picking goop up with tweezers and zip-loc bags. Agent Booth comes and says something funny, Dr. Brennan doesn't get it. Dr. Brennan tells the cops to take the stuff back to the Jeffersonian (her museum/science lab) Dr. Brennan wears something low cut and has dangley jewelry that never seems to dangle into the muck. Her team analyzes everything. One doctor looks at bugs and goop and has a magic machine that can tell him where every speck of goop and dirt originated from. Some doctors team up to do a stupid experiment that is scientifically invalid but proves to be useful anyway. Some artist manages to create 3-D depictions of the victims face and what happened to them, and she has access to technology that originated sometime in the year 2104. The feds pick some bad guy up who isn't the real bad guy, but leads them to the real bad guy. Nobody is read their rights. None of the bad dudes seem to want lawyers, and all of them seem to confess.

Mini-Review:

This show is still on because of the cool people on it. The show is completely unreasonable and unbelievable, but the interaction between the nearly autistic but brilliant Brennan, and the All-American Hero, Booth, is just wonderful enough to keep me hooked.

Chuck

7.5/10

Synopsis:

Some nerdy dude named Chuck gets framed and kicked out of Stanford, and the dude who framed him sends him a file of pictures (all of the government's secrets) that somehow gets downloaded into Chuck's brain. A beautiful CIA agent who has odd teeth is sent to watch over chuck. The Agent, Sarah, is small and slow, but she beats everyone up. Chuck is also aided by the large and awesome actor dude who played "Jane" on Firefly. Chuck can access all of the government's secrets better than a computer, and then eventually he can actually use the info and turn into a kung-fu master.

Formula:

Chuck works at the Best Buy... I mean the Buy More, in the Geek Squad... I mean Nerd Herd, and he's just going about his day and having fun when A MISSION COMES IN! The mission is strange and requires special disguise outfits. Chuck and Sara go and do something dangerous, and Chuck manages to save the day after he screws up a few times. Chuck wants to talk to Sara about how much he loves her face. Chuck wants to tell his family about his secret life. Chuck doesn't do either.

Mini-Review:

Chuck is a good show, but I'm pretty new to it, so I can't do an effective mini-review. I just know that Chuck is kind of likable, even though he's really annoying to my wife. I insist she doesn't like it because of the Hot Lady's teeth that are unexplainably strange.

American Idol

6.4/10

Synopsis:

A bunch of bad singers get manipulated and ridiculed in front of 25 million people, and a bunch of good singers are slaves to a TV show and they are all voted on based on a wide variety of critera (singing ability being low on the list) The public votes and the losers get eaten by sharks... or sent home or something. No matter who wins, someone is disappointed. Teens vote much more often than everyone else, so true talent is often overlooked. (Although Kris Allen truly is better than Adam Lambert. Oh snap!)

Formula:

Ryan, the host, says some lame, wannabe intense stuff at the beginning of the show and the contestants line up with spotlights on them. They all try not to shake, and then they go and wait until its their turn to sing. The bad singers get ripped apart, first by some guy who played bass in journey, then by a comedian who likes music but doesn't make any, then by a songwriter who thinks she's super hot, but has a face that resembles the baby of a pucker fish and a vacuum attachment, and FINALLY a mean British dude tells the truth and everyone loves him for it.

So the bad people basically get told they are bad four times in a row and they just have to stand there. The really talented people usually go home when there are three or four people left, and then the popularity contest ensues. The winners and others in the top 20 go on to make albums and sing on cruise ships.

Mini-Review:

This show is losing its steam. Nobody, especially not Simon, seems to really care about it anymore. Ratings are slipping, but the music and the incredible drive of the contestants still makes for good entertainment.

Biggest Loser:

6.8/10

Synopsis:

A bunch of absolutely huge and unhealthy people compete to see who can lose weight. They work out with celebrity trainers four hours and hours and they eat very little. Weight loss determines the two or three people in danger of going home and then the contestants vote for who should go home.

Formula:

The contestants mourn over whoever went home last week, and they all say it was a hard choice. Then some lady from a soap opera comes and tells the contestants what ridiculous thing they have to do that day. The unfit contestants have to push something really big or run really far or face their fear of heights. The winner, or winning team gets something cool or some bonus. One of the trainers psychoanalyzes a contestant and makes him/her cry. Someone gets in trouble for trying to "play the game" too much. Then all of the large Marks and Marges get up on the scale, let their man-boobs and spare tires hang out and show everyone how much weight they lost. All of the contestants give private commentary that seems strangely scripted and way too eloquent. Everyone pretends not to play the game, but decides to send home people who are bigger threats to them.

Mini-Review:

This show goes way too far. It encourages rapid weight-loss and most of the contestants gain the weight back. The show creates financial incentives, and lifestyles that are very conducive to weight loss, but really doesn't train contestants on how to be healthy forever.

WHO CARES? It inspires millions of people to get into shape, and the contestants are way healthier when they leave.