Costco: I hate loving you, but I just can't quit you.

I have a vicious hate-to-love relationship with Costco. Costco holds a special place in my heart. Its chocolate muffins held my hand through 2 years of chinese food; it's food court provided an arena for me to court my wife during lunch for only 5 dollars total (don't knock it--it worked); it also allowed me to buy the best jacket I have ever worn (for only 20 bucks); finally, costco sells really really cheap diapers (huggies knock offs)

How could I betray a friend like that? How could I speak ill of such a positive influence in my life?

Because Costco is an unhealthy addiction.

I love the Costco (Kirkland) muffins. I really really love them. They are heavy, and the chocolate chips melt in the microwave to create a molten river of pure joy. BUT... I have to buy 12. They tried to trick me by splitting the packages up into two six-muffin love-trays. But you have to buy both.... which allows you to "mix and match". This is Costco's idea of accommodation. It's like a husband who sees his wife struggling to clean up the kitchen, so he offers to pause the game on DVR and unload the silverware from the dishwasher.

But dearest Costco, I don't want 12 muffins... I want 4 muffins. I know many of you out there may say that I should just freeze the muffins and eat them over a long period of time, (or, if you are my Mother, you just say I will die of heart disease if I don't stop eating them... I love you Mom) I have a serious freezer problem. My backpack could fit more food than my freezer. The ice trays take up 1/5th of the space. But I freeze them anyway, because I am forced to enable costco to hurt me. I am the wife of an abusive spouse.... Costco, the wife beater. I go ahead and freeze the muffins and smash them in there somewhere. If you grab a bag of frozen chinese food, it's likely that a muffin will fall on your toe and severely injure you. (Yes they are that heavy... yum)

I also love Costco hot dogs. A huge foot-long hot dog and a drink for $1.50. Are you kidding me?

They even ambiguously offer you more with the "with refill" sign. They know that most people will refill more than once, but this is how the Wife Beater works... it captures you with guilt. You are a bad person for doing what everyone else lets you do!!! Even worse is the fact that the food court is the only reason I carry cash. You see, Costco couldn't get along with Visa, so they struck a sweetheart deal with their concubine American Express. So if I want to buy a hot dog, I either have to have cash, a costco cash card, or I can go wait in line at the regular checkout and put a hot dog on my debit card. Please Costco, just put a debit card machine at your food court... or you could just continue to abuse me.

Of course this doesn't stop me from shopping there. I even pay just to go inside. I have to show that artificially happy old lady my costco card just to get inside to see where the magic happens. ANd then, after I flash my "please-beat-me" Costco card, I get to walk in to the circus. 70 inch Tv's, amazing deals on everything. But then I read reports about how loyal price-club shoppers don't even save money in the long run. But I don't care.. I'm the exception.. that could never happen to me... Costco Loves me... it's my fault it hurts me. So I've already paid my 50 dollar membership fee, but at least I get to spend 50 bucks on twice as much printer ink as I need. Or I can buy a 50 lb bag of wonderful rice (weevil farm) And then I can go through the ridiculous check out lines, where they are so nice that they have signs that say "leave heavy items in cart"... oh Costco, you do love me! I only have to do most of the work... And then afterward, I get to wait in line again, behind all of costco's other lovers, so that the next artificially happy old man can "check my receipt to make sure I got everything". Riiiight. But it's okay, Costco doesn't have to trust me... because I trust Costco. In Costco I trust. I wouldn't dare refuse the cart check. One person told Costco that they couldn't check through the items in his cart. They allowed him to pass (who wouldn't want to be held prisoner in a costco!) but they cancelled his membership and told him to never come back.

Sometimes I have nightmares about that happening to me.. I'd rather be abused that be alone and forced to resort to Walmart.

Everytime I get the courage to end our relationship, Costco sweet talks me back. One time I was pushing our new mattress and box springs out on the long orange cart (more like Santa's Sleigh!) and I was almost to the parking lot when a giant bearded man (not Santa) dove onto the mattress. Large Lardo managed to snap the middle board in the box springs. (I guess he has to have reinforced mattresses, even if he sleeps alone) I walked back into Costco with my wife (Costco beats her too) and I expected them to tell me how stupid I was for walking passed the fat man in the first place.. but No, costco welcomed me with open arms and gave me a new mattress. Because Costco loves me.... even if it beats me. It can change... One day, it will change.