Interviews

I applied for several jobs this fall. Some employers wanted to interview me, some didn't. I recently received a rejection letter from one employer thanking me for the great interview we had. Trouble is, they never gave me an interview. Good times.
I think the whole interview process is kind of a joke. I mean no disrespect to anyone that interviewed me. They were all professional and very nice. It's just that I really think that interviews are just a big BSing contest.

In the absolute best episode of "The Office" ever (Season 3's "the Return") Dwight is being interviewed: "How would I describe myself? Three words: Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer (pause) merciless, insatiable."

Now this is funny, because it's Dwight, but what does it tell the interviewer? Nothing. I guess an interviewer could possibly get a "feel" for a person. Maybe some people can decide whether they can work with a person in 15 minutes of Q&A.
I think it's mostly phoney baloney.
One of my favorite co-workers ever was horrible in the interview. This person was a fantastic employee. The only reason we decided to hire this person was that we had an extremely urgent need.

Just for fun, I'm going to provide a realistic hypothetical interview to illustrate its uselessness. Out-loud words are in normal type, thoughts are in italics.


Interviewer: Hi, come on in. Have a seat.
This is the 10th interview of the day. I'm so sick of this crap. If one more person says they love to "help people" it's going to break my brain.

Joe Schmoe: Okay, thank you very much.
Wow, nice office. I hope he didn't notice my palm was sweaty. Who's in that picture? Is that his daughter or his wife? She's Smokin'!

Interviewer: So thanks for coming in. I'm not really a fan of stuffy interviews. I just want to ask you a few questions to get to know you better.
Really I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to make sure you didn't lie on your resume, and that you won't scare the customers.

Joe: Great. Thanks again for the opportunity.
Again? Why did I say again. I haven't thanked him before. Oh well.

Interviewer: So tell me about yourself?
Stupid question. . . but I haven't read his resume yet, so that's all I've got.

Joe: Well, I'm 28 years old, and I'm single. I like to golf and run 5Ks Uh.. um.. yeah, that's about it.
What else am I supposed to say dude. I like video games, and I'd rather be watching Tv. I ran a 5k four years ago... I think. Oh, and I think your daughter's a fox.

Interviewer: Oh you're a runner? That's very impressive.
Well, I can't consider most of that, and the rest is irrelevant. And he's a runner? I hate runners. Always talking about training, and chafing.
So, I see from your resume that you worked as a manager specializing in risk analysis.

Joe: Yes. I spent 5 years there. I worked with all types of people on accounts ranging from small amounts to millions of dollars.
Does he realize that I only sold insurance?

Interviewer: Great... great... I wonder if I'm going to make my tee time? I also see here that you do a lot of volunteer work in the community. Tell me about that.

Joe: Yeah, I just really love to help people, you know.

Interviewer: Oh no. Please. No. Is this what hell feels like? Is Satan just going to make me work in the cliché factory?

Joe: I just like to give back. I think that my experience working for those organizations really helps me to understand the needs of customers.

Interviewer: Oh here we go. Really? Sounds like you just played basketball with middle schoolers.

Joe: Yeah, that was a good answer. Nailed it. Unless he knows I just played Bball with kids.

Interviewer: So tell me your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.
Oh yeah... Awesome question. Silver bullet.

Joe: Um . . . Yeah, well... my greatest strength would be my ability to accomplish anything I'm asked to do.
Phew. Good thing I practiced that after I did research on google. My greatest strength is probably my absolute domination on Call of Duty, or my ability to memorize useless information.

Interviewer: No, no, no, no, no. I'm in hell again.

Joe: And my greatest weaknesses are that I just work too hard... and um... I care too much... Really, I've just been trying to work on being great in a position like this one.
That's a stupid question, so he gets a stupid answer. I don't have a lot of weaknesses.. I mean, I gossip, scheme, procrastinate, and complain constantly... but who doesn't, right?

Interviewer: That was a stupid answer. What does that even mean? Yeah, I care too much... I almost died from caring. I'm practically a friggin care bear.

So, do you have any questions about our company?

Joe: Questions? I just want to get paid man. I don't really care about your company. I really just want to know if I can get away with watching youtube and working on my fantasy football league.

Uh, yeah.. well, I noticed that you went to KU. I love the Jayhawks. Rock hawk! You know, haha. What do you think it is about KU that makes grads like you so qualified for these jobs?
I'm totally getting a callback.

Interviewer. I wonder what he'd do if I just called him a dumb #%#. Yeah.. It's Rock Chalk you Dumb... dumb.. dumb.. person.

Well, it's a great school.

This guy isn't getting a call back, I'll tell you that much.

Joe: How about that basketball team. Did you see what they did to Pitt State? We are going to kill Missouri and K-state this year. Another national championship is going to be so sweet this year.
I hope he doesn't find out I'm a North Carolina fan.

Interviewer: Oh I know right? I had courtside seats to the game. It was great. A ton of talent.

Joe: Really? That's so awesome. I had to wait in line for hours to get tickets last year. There's nothing better than KU basketball in the Field House.

Interviewer: You've got that right Joe.

Maybe I had this all wrong. Nobody here watches basketball. This guy could totally liven the place up. Interviews don't mean that much anyway do they? Yeah. This guy is a winner... Rock Chalk.

Interviewer: Thanks Joe. It looks like time is up. I'll let you know about the position in the next few days.
All of these people are horrible, but at least I'd have something to talk to with this guy.

Joe: Thanks a lot for the opportunity.
I'm going to get my hands on those courtside seats within a year. Heck yeah.